Posted on by Stephanie's Corner

The Blog Series: Book Preview of Relationship Impossible

Introduction: Where we left off in Hello Love, Where’s Cupid?

When I set out to write, “Hello Love, Where’s Cupid,” I had no idea that it would hit a lot of nerves with people, on both sides of the argument, in the matter of online dating. Not only did it hit a lot of nerves for those who “believe” in online dating, but I had many questions left to answer. Let’s dive right in to what was discussed:

I talked about social media and relationships, when I mentioned the following:

“Here’s the thing that most don’t realize: In this age of social media, we get emotionally attached and connected to people we don’t even know every day! The moment you start talking to someone every day, the moment you get their phone number, and the moment you talk about (and some promise) to meet -up, you are in a relationship with that person!

Some are friendships, yes, but I am talking about romantic relationships. So for those keeping the score at home, if what I described above sounds like you, congratulations, you are in an online relationship!”

Before social media came to be, our personal and professional relationships were separated by office walls. Now, through the use of social media, they aren’t. I discussed how social media has effected our lives, for the good and for the bad. That then took us into the discussion on online dating and dating apps.

Misrepresenting yourself on a dating site or app is as easy as a click here and a click there.

See, when you meet someone either at a party or at a bar, you see the person for who the person is ( look wise – no chance to use a fake picture ) and for the most part, they aren’t going to “make up a name” like they can and some do online. You can then actually get their name and do a background check on them yourself. With these dating sites, it’s hard to know if they are being truthful as to who they really are. Another thing that you can decipher in person that you really cannot evaluate online is another person’s sense of humor and connection. Reading a profile just isn’t going to cut it. They can “say” they are the funniest thing around since Seinfeld, but saying it online and actually being funny in person are two different things. And some of the services the websites offer might backfire, causing users to overlook people they might be happy with while choosing people they really don’t “match” up well with due to their answers and how they set up their profiles. At a party you may have two people to choose from, where as on the Internet dating sites, you have hundreds, thousands of different suitors to look over. I also broke the dating code, so to speak, by telling you how each site that “claimed” they had a scientific way of “matching” folks to the “correct” partner worked.

I then got into the conversation on what every site has failed to recognize is that there really is no way to successfully predict that a relationship will last, especially when the most crucial information is not collected:

A) Individual Characteristics of each partner which include personalities, attitudes and if each partner is relatively stable.

B) Quality of interactions – This can only be measured in person, not online. This includes how well the couple will communicate and also support each other.

C) Unforeseen Circumstances – This includes stress, financial problems, cultures, family issues, etc.

With this said, users beware that the only ultimate way to know if a relationship is going to last, is actual face-to-face interaction.

This then went into the stories about scams, lies, and the studies that show that online dating/ dating apps do not work the way they are intended to work, and I list those sites.

I also gave folks a little reminder, “ Your future partner is not a link on a website, he or she is a human being.”

Not only did I talk about the reasons why no one should be using these sites, I even gave you tips if you do want to try these sites. (What can I say, I care.)

I gave tips on how to win an ex back, even though I am totally against going back with an ex for this reason alone: They are called an “ex” for a reason. Now, I am all for second chances, but you need to be extremely sure and confident that the relationship with your ex is worth it.

Also on the table of discussion, was if you are a guy who is looking for a relationship, I gave tips directly from the mouths of single women everywhere. I can tell you all that the first thing that bothers single women is the fact that men today have forgotten about chivalry.

Of course I had advice for women too when I said:

“I can’t make people value me. All I can do is show them who I am, what I feel, and what I believe in. It’s up to them to realize my worth. And what every woman needs to learn is the difference between what you’re getting and what you deserve. Let the universe know this by the way you treat yourself.”

My favorite chapter, and everyone’s favorite chapter was 10 where I used some of my past relationships as lessons for what NOT to do. One of our best learning tools is looking back at our mistakes.

Each relationship has made me into who I am today. There is no way around that. I have not only grown as a person, but I have grown thicker skin, have taken more risks, and learned that life is short. Here are the lessons from that chapter that I wanted to pass along to all of you:

THE KEYS OF WHAT NOT TO DO:

a- Never judge anyone without getting to know them yourself.

b- Just because your boyfriend breaks up with you, doesn’t mean that you need to date someone else right away to replace him. Learn to be alone and recover first, then date later.

c- You don’t need to use your sexuality as a way to gain attention. Use it as a powerful tool to boost yourself confidence instead.

d- Never judge a book by its cover. Just because he looks like a Calvin Klein underwear model ( and is one) does not mean that his personality is as “hot”

e-Don’t give a guy that many chances. The truth is, if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. Period.

f- If someone shows you their true colors, don’t try and paint a different picture.

g- Finally, don’t take a person you meet online at face value. It’s easy for them to lie about who they are and if they are really using you in their little game. Google them. Find out if they are hiding anything. Always LISTEN to your instincts. When someone is using you, playing you, or things aren’t adding up, your instincts will never lie to you.

To note the 2 relationships I briefly mentioned in the book: The 23 year old and the divorced dad who was in his 40s, those relationships went south. The 23 year old was too scared to turn our relationship into something serious because he literally was afraid of what his friends thought. Yes, guys are that immature and stupid. Also, strong women scare weak men. The 45ish divorced dad proved once and for all that NO ONE should get involved with a soon-to-be divorcee – RED FLAGS were everywhere and eventually were received, noted and dealt with in a timely manner. Both relationships were in separate years too.

Then we pivoted from that to of course talking about some serious topics in the dating world. When you hear the phrase, abusive relationship, usually domestic violence comes to mind, but emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars. And the truth is emotional abuse doesn’t just happen to women; it also happens to men and the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied.

There are 3 different types of abuse that happen in relationships: 1) Domestic Violence 2) Rape and 3) Dating abuse. These are topics that women try and avoid talking about because they are embarrassed to admit that they have been in an abusive relationship or they feel ashamed that they succumbed to a man who tricked them into believing that he loved her by abusing her.

Abuse isn’t always obvious.

Here are some red flags that everyone reading this should know and note:

  • Call you names and put you down
  • Call or text you throughout the day to check on you
  • Keep you from friends or family
  • Control your $
  • Threaten to hurt you, himself/herself, your pet or loved one
  • Hit, Kick, Push, Punch, Slap, Pinch, Choke or Bite you
  • Destroy property or throw things
  • Tell you who you can see or what job you can have
  • Tell you how to dress
  • Act overly jealous
  • Withhold medication or health care
  • Make you have sex or do sexual acts that you don’t want to do
  • Threaten to “out” you if you are gay or lesbian
  • Constantly criticize
  • Embarrass you
  • Blame you for everything – including the abusive behavior

What usually happens after this happens the first time is that the victim makes statements like:

“My partner isn’t violent all the time – they love me”

“Things will get better – they didn’t mean it”

“Maybe it’s my fault”

“I’m scared of what will happen if I leave them”

And the abuse continues.

Remember, most relationships start off with each person acting their best and seeing the other with rose-colored glasses. It never starts off on an abusive note.

There were many other topics we discussed in “Hello Love, Where’s Cupid 2nd Ed” and the feedback from the book was tremendous. Which leads me to writing this follow up book, “Relationship Impossible”

Here is a brief summary of the topics that will be discussed in the book- note that I am not mentioning EVERY topic.

A. How Covid 19 affected dating

B. How Dating apps and sites actually work

C. Social Media’s Shallow Pitfalls

D. Athletes. Social Media, and Dating Apps

E. Myths: sexual myths, Out of My League Myths, etc.

F. The 7 Selfish Traits

G. How The Me Too Movement Changed Dating

H. The most dangerous / safe states for online dating

And much more.

Of course some of the topics that I have blogged about over the years, will be mentioned and some topics are those that trend on social media like the following: TO BE CONTINUED….. ( Oh, just you wait… )

If you would like to read Hello Love Where’s Cupid the 2nd Ed, which was nominated for Book of the Year in 2016, click here or click here

Posted on by Stephanie's Corner

Chapter Eleven: 7 Reasons Why You Are Still Single

Chapter Eleven: 7 Reasons Why You Are Still Single( From The Book, Hello Love, Where’s Cupid? 2nd Ed)

“I hate being single!” or “Why am I so unlucky in love?” Do these sound familiar? If so, then welcome to Singlehood. I will admit, some people are really unlucky when it comes to love. I have seen it first hand. There are those who are still single due to being left in the “pool” while others are single due to being their own worst enemy. Then of course you have those people who call you “desperate.” Lets get one stereotype cleared up though: I am not desperate because I am single. I am single because I am not desperate. There’s a difference. If you are running from relationship to relationship, then okay, you are desperate. But if you struggling to find someone and you have your standards, you are NOT desperate, you are smart.

This chapter is NOT for those people. The ones who are smart enough to take a step back, look at the situation, and go slow finding someone to have a real relationship with instead of rushing themselves to the altar, are the ones who will “win” in the dating game.

This is for those who are sabotaging any chance they get at having a relationship and there are seven good reasons why you are still single.

Let’s start off small:

1- You have annoying habits that scare people away.

I know someone who has this annoying habit of talking with food in their mouth. I also know someone who is obsessed with their blackberry or iPhone. You interrupt people while they are talking and talk about something else or just talk on and on. This behavior was another relationship breaker that was mentioned.

2- You don’t pay attention and constantly make the other person repeat.

It doesn’t cost anything to pay attention. If someone is talking to you and you are too busy doing something else, what does that say about how you value the other person? We as a society need to learn to listen better. Most people just listen for the cue to when it’s their turn to speak. They don’t actually listen to what is being said.

3- Loyalty, Honesty and Trust issues.

Let me give you the straight definition of each term. Loyalty is faithfulness or a devotion to a person, country, group, or cause. Honesty refers to a facet of moral character and connotes positive and virtuous attributes such as integrity, truthfulness and straightforwardness along with the absence of lying, cheating or theft. And Trust is, the assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. These three are tied together. When you don’t have one in any relationship, you don’t have any of them. When you are loyal, you don’t cheat. When you have faith that the person you love only loves you; then you have trust. And when you trust someone, you know that they are being fully honest with you about every aspect of the relationship.

4- You constantly talk about your ex or previous relationship nonstop.

I know some ladies who constantly talk about previous relationships as if they are still continuing. If you still talk about it, you still care about it. Period. When you have serious baggage you cannot and SHOULD NOT even start to think about having a new relationship. Work through and get over the previous relationship, before moving on to a new one. This is mistake that many single ladies make. They hop into a new relationship just so they can forget about how “Dave” ripped their heart into a million pieces, or they sleep with the first guy that glances over at them in a bar, restaurant, gym, etc. This is also very “desperate” behavior which signifies very deep self-worth, self-esteem issues. When you settle just for “anyone” to get over someone with whom you had an emotional and physical relationship with, you are setting yourself up for an even a bigger disaster. Then of course you have people who go out with someone just to get over their ex or because they fear being “alone” and then end up engaged but still hung over their previous ex. Here’s the thing: If you are not crazy about the person you are about to marry, take a step back. This doesn’t mean go chasing down your ex, since you cannot make someone else want to be with you. But you will be doing yourself and your future husband/wife a disservice by marrying them, when it’s obvious your heart is not in it. Remember, Love won’t grow just because you marry.

To get over an ex, you need time in between relationships. Jumping from relationship to relationship will not help you at all. The fact is rebounding is dangerous because you’re at your most vulnerable and have not had enough time to mourn the loss of your previous relationship and move on. You’re still suffering from heartbreak, even if you deny it. When you meet someone else without getting over the previous relationship, you don’t fall in love with someone but fall completely infatuated with the feelings you are feeling instead. You may gush over the rebounder, but the reality is, that you’re trying to recapture the feelings you had while you were with your ex.

You also have not given yourself time to look at WHY your previous relationship failed. Subconsciously you will make the same exact mistakes with this relationship that you just made with your previous one. So how long should you wait before getting involved with someone new? If you were together for six months, you wait 3 months. If you were together for 12 months, you wait 6 months. The key is to give yourself enough time to get through the pain you feel and get over him/her. That means erasing his/her number from your cell phone, erasing text messages, voice messages and deleting them from your social network. When you can do that, then you are over them.

5- You have a negative outlook on life.

First, don’t complain about someone not treating you right. If you know you deserve more, then why are you with them? Negativity breeds negativity just like positivity breeds positivity. If you have the “woe is me,” attitude, who wants to be around that and listen to it 24/7? I know that I don’t. Who wants to keep hearing how work stinks, how much you wish you could live somewhere else, or how everyone around you is having babies and families but not you?

6- You are oversharing too fast.

Making a full disclosure within the first few meetings can be disastrous since you are not aware how the other person is going to react to the “skeletons” you reveal. Again, your new date doesn’t need to know why you hate your family, why your previous relationships didn’t work, your money issues, etc. Once you share something, you can’t take it back either. Over-sharing. It has always been a problem but has become more so in the digital age. Just look at Facebook and how everyone shares every aspect of their lives. Everyone needs to know everything about everyone. And that’s a bad situation for someone who is meeting someone for the first time. People with bad intentions can get your information and either manipulate you with it or share it with others you don’t necessarily want it shared with. Then you will have put yourself in a position you could have avoided. Also, do NOT become Facebook “friends” with new suitors either. I would actually block them from finding you on Facebook and then once you get to know them, and feel confident/comfortable with them, allow them to then become your online friend as well. Remember, less history equals more mystery. More mystery leads to more dates. More dates leads to having a serious relationship. And if you want to let your potential suitors see your Facebook page, then you must be cautious as to what you post publicly. Remember, what you post can generally come back to bite you in the ass. It happens all the time. Don’t let it happen to you.

7- You have fantasy-like, unrealistic ideas about the opposite sex.

Sadly some women just want to meet a tall, handsome guy who has money and other perks that will make them live happily ever after. The problem with fairy tales is that they set a girl up for disappointment. In real life, the Prince goes off with the wrong Princess. If all you want is to be somebody’s “trophy wife,” you really are setting yourself up for disaster, heartbreak, and torture. Relationships shouldn’t be based on looks, money or perks. Relationships should be based on personality, compatibility, and civility. There’s a difference between being picky and being discriminating. Being picky is about focusing on traits and other details that look good on the surface. Being discriminating is about using good judgment and focusing on how well a man treats you and how you connect with him. (same for a man, a woman should treat you with respect as well.)

You must be clear about what qualities you’re willing to live with and what you can’t live without.

In today’s society we are all told that men need to be with someone “hot” and that women need to find a man with money. Don’t fall for what society tells you. Look at how screwed up it is. Never apologize for having HIGH standards because people who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them. Stop dreaming about the fairy tale, stop wanting a guy to put you on a pedestal, and stop wanting the movie-like romance. Relationships are REAL. Treat them with a dose a reality, not fantasy.

There is someone for everyone, just because you haven’t met that special someone, does not mean you never will. Take this time in your single life to focus on you and love yourself, so when the right person comes along, you can wholeheartedly share that love with them too.

The Links To Purchase Book are here: http://www.stephaniedolce.com