As you well know by following this blog and if you follow me on social, you know that I am writing a book called, “Meet Me In The Penalty Box,” which exposes the NHL culture to a tee. Here’s a excerpt of the book: the first two sections: All About The Victims and Exploring the Topic Of Culture
Did you know, in 2022, there were 1.37 million domestic violence crimes committed in the US. According to the CDC, in 2022, women reported intimate partner violence around 41%
These are topics that women try and avoid talking about because they are embarrassed to admit that they have been in an abusive relationship or they feel ashamed that they succumbed to a man who tricked them into believing that he loved her by abusing her.
What does all this have to do with the NHL? (National Hockey League)
The NHL is the ONLY major pro-sports league without a league specific policy outlining what happens to players who are accused of sexual crimes and domestic abuse.
There have been incidents within the league that the league have stayed quiet about and have swept it under the rug, so to speak. (I then get into many different cases)
The question that everyone seems to have in regards to violence against women is where does this start to form in a man’s life?
Why does he intentionally want to hurt someone who is seen as loving and caring towards him?
And how do women play a role in being manipulated into falling into a pattern of trusting violent men with their lives?
Dating Violence
Violence in teen relationships predicts violence in adulthood. In the United States, up to 19% of teens experience sexual or physical dating violence, about half face stalking or harassment, and as many as 65% report being psychologically abused ( Stats are from Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention)
In many cases, violence can happen when young people don’t yet have the skills to manage conflict, cope with feelings of jealousy, and navigate rejection. Many teens perceive this type of behavior as “normal” and a way to express love in intimate relationships.
The truth of the matter is this: Teen dating violence seems to be overlooked, not only in the scientific community but in society at large. It’s developmentally appropriate for young people to explore their sexuality.
But as a society we haven’t figured out how to support that while protecting them from a risk of violence. Added pressures today include social media and how sexuality is perceived.
According to 2019 data from the CDC’s Youth Risk Behavior Survey, about 1 in 12 teens experience physical dating violence and about the same number face sexual dating violence. Other studies suggest rates may be higher, especially when accounting for psychological forms of abuse.
In one nationally representative study of young people ages 14 to 21, 51% of females and 43% of males reported being victims of at least one type of dating violence, while 50% of females and 35% of males reported perpetrating at least one type.
Girls as young as age 6 have been taught for generations to accept the fact that when a boy pulls your hair, trips you, pokes you, laughs at you, or does anything else to you, this is a clue that he “likes you.”
Little girls have been conformed and trained to accept this behavior from boys as an expression of interest, which means we have been training girls that it is normal for guys to physically, mentally, and emotionally abuse us as an expression of love.
Teen boys who abuse dating partners are more than likely to have experienced child abuse or neglect. Teen boys who are abusers, are more likely to use alcohol or drugs than their nonviolent counterparts.
Teen boys who abuse their partners then to have sexist attitudes that support male domination over females.
In some cases, dating violence may be part of a pattern of antisocial or aggressive behavior.
But much of the time, teens may simply not know how to manage the emotions and conflicts that arise as they enter their first relationships.
Patterns in teen relationships are similar to adult battering relationships – they involve the same elements of control and jealousy. Teen girls and women describe the same range of violent experiences from slaps and shoves, to beatings and attacks with weapons.
There are several youth-specific aspects to their relationships-
Pressure to conform to peer-group norms which contributes to an emphasis on having a specific dating partner.
Peer pressure can be so intense and the fear of being different, or of violating peer-group norms, can create rigid conformity.
Teenage boys will begin to establish such patterns when their violent dating behaviors are reinforced by members of their peer group and by society as a whole.
Their expectations of a girlfriend may include that she gives up certain activities and other relationships in order to give priority to her boyfriend.
This is why basic chicks fit the mold/pattern for hockey players.
They find women who will conform to what the boyfriend wants and accepts their dominance in the relationship. This includes that he be sexually aggressive, make all the decisions, and he will control her activities and behavior…..
(Section 2: Exploring the Topic of Culture)
The United States also has an individualistic culture, meaning people place a high value on individuality and independence. In contrast, many other cultures are collectivist, meaning the welfare of the group and group relationships is a primary value.
Living up to a culture’s values can be difficult. It’s easy to value good health, but it’s hard to quit smoking. Marital monogamy is valued, but many spouses engage in infidelity. Cultural diversity and equal opportunities for all people are valued in the United States, yet the country’s highest political offices have been dominated by white men.
In many cultures, women are expected to be responsible for things that men are not. And, there are more pressures put on girls and women to look young and youthful no matter how old she is. Women’s full and equal participation in all facets of society is a fundamental human right. Yet, around the world, from politics to sports to the workplace, women and girls are largely underrepresented.
While the specific expectations have varied across cultures and time periods, core assumptions about women’s roles have persisted for millennia. Let’s take a brief look at how the values and beliefs women “should” follow enfolded…..
Today, this is how women see themselves:
- Independence focused
- Sexually liberated
- Work focused
Today this is how men still want to see women:
- Homemaker
- Mother
- Primary caregiver
- Submits to her man
- Adopts her man’s moral foundations
A traditional woman is a woman who follows older established principles of femininity. But today, women are pushing away from being a “traditional woman” because men today are pushing away from being, “a traditional man.”
What is a traditional man?
He is someone who adheres to conventional, often historical, gender roles and expectations. This may include traits like being a provider, protector, and head of the household, with a focus on strength, and dominance. Basically he follows established principles of masculinity.
Men before the social media era had more strength, courage, and discipline than today’s men. Men used to be better men, and more men wanted to be more like that. Today though, men rather complain about women being masculine and not feminine.
Maybe this is news to a lot of men but women take self-defense courses because we’re told we need to protect ourselves from men. Instead of men learning to be better men. The value of women is not limited to their sex appeal. Treat women the way you would treat any normal person. How you speak, walk, move your body or go about everyday life has nothing to do with masculinity, aside from other people’s preconceived ideas.
When most men think of “manliness”, they think of the fantastical archetypes we’ve been inundated with since childhood:
James Bond, Ernest Hemmingway, Captain America, and the list goes on.
They think that manliness is about hunting big game, or knowing how to fight, or sleeping with dozens of women, or driving a fast car. But these activities do not make one manly. Manliness, or as I prefer to call it “masculinity”, is about the principles by which you operate and the way that you commit yourself to various pursuits in life.
I would argue that developing your masculinity just as women develop their femininity, is based on a handful of simple principles…..
When women are assaulted, their past gets investigated.
When men assault, their future gets protected.
When women get assaulted, it’s like society treats them like a criminal first, not a victim. But men? Oh no, their futures need to be protected at all costs. The only thing that matters is making sure they get a “second chance” while she’s left fighting for her dignity. This victim-blaming crap isn’t just sick, it’s a systematic pile-on designed to keep her in the dirt while they get to walk away unscathed.
What does all this have to do with the NHL and their culture?
Well, let me start off by saying this: Culture isn’t an excuse for abuse. And abuse is silent no matter what type of abuse it is emotionally mental, physical or sexual.
And the fact that people know that it’s happening and they close the blind eye to it or they sweep it under the rug or they try to hide it as fast as they can, shows you the nature of this problem isn’t small. The NHL is very good at covering this up and that shows you that they know right from wrong but they don’t care.
And to all those guys that I see commenting on this type of thing on Instagram, Facebook and Threads is disturbing.
The main comment is that, we as women will never get rid of sexual assault. That’s that is correct statement because we’re never going to get rid of hate, we’re never going to get rid of violence 100%, but the fact that you don’t even want to think about how you can make things better for not just yourself but those around you, show that you are part of the problem, not the solution.
It’s always amazing to me. How guys are more worried about the accusations of their favorite athletes than the violence itself .
Defending them with the my favorite sayings, “she was a whore,” “She wanted it now she’s regretting it.” And my ultimate favorite, “Innocent until proven guilty.”
There’s also another one, “She consented so this didn’t happen.”
They just don’t understand what consent and not consent is and even if she consented in the beginning, a woman has a right to change her consent at any point given in time.
When a woman says no or stop or I don’t want to do this and you don’t listen to her, you are raping her. It doesn’t matter if she’s your wife, it doesn’t matter if she’s your girlfriend, it doesn’t matter if she’s your partner, it doesn’t matter if she’s a hooker from the street, it does not matter.
And that is where the problem then grows.
The hockey culture is four things, alcohol, drugs, sex and gambling.
(To Be Continued)
Stephanie 's Corner 