Being that Friday’s episode of “The Recordings of Fan Girl #Sarcasm” will be about this “lovely” topic of conversation I thought, hey, since I am not doing my regular podcast , Sassy Nation tomorrow, let me divulge you all for a moment.
If you bought my best seller, “Hello Love, Where’s Cupid? 2nd Ed” or the follow up, “Relationship Impossible” you read a couple of things:
Online dating is often touted as the solution to dating frustration. You only have to deal with people who meet your standards. Which really, can’t happen because of choice overload. (Too many options for any one person to handle.) All we have are our words and our photos online. Whereas in person we have hundreds of thousands of verbal and non-verbal clues to give us an intuitive grasp of who we’re talking to and whether or not we’re into them long before we go up and introduce ourselves.
There are many NFL players as I have mentioned that use Tinder and other dating apps to meet up with their “hook up” for the night. As I will mention in the podcast on Friday, you have many players that tend to think they are celebrities, act as if they are better than the average person, and then give in the pressures of this “life” to date a “model-type” girl because, let’s face it, they are very superficial. Now, it’s important for me to mention NOT EVERY NFL player does this- there are some that have morals, values, and are just great down-to-Earth guys. But, I ain’t talking about those guys here. I am talking about the guys that treat women as if they are sex-objects and then complain on social media that they are “gold-diggers” when they created the bandwagon themselves.
Some NFL players have created this image of this “ideal” woman, so when regular women; regular, wonderful, real women fall short, they reject them. That way they never
have to settle down and then everyone can still feel sorry about poor, lonely you.
And they have NO idea just what BAD position they end up putting themselves when they A) use a dating app for a 1 night stand and B) when they buy a girl their attention.
As you will see, online dating isn’t what you think it is anymore. Yes, you may have stories of people who know someone who has met online, but that doesn’t mean that it actually works. What that means is that, that person you know just was lucky enough to meet someone with whom they think they click with. It doesn’t mean that the relationship is going to last either. All it means is that after searching online, that person decided to settle down with someone. With STD’s up 75% and sex offenders using dating sites at an all-time high, if you really want to meet someone, stop putting forth the effort online, and actually go out there and meet people. Network, volunteer, join a church group, go to a coffee shop, sporting event, etc. The point being is, the more you take yourself into real, actual situations, the better chance you have at actually meeting, “ the one.”
The first thing you see online is someone’s profile picture and dating profile. Not only can they post fake pictures, there have been people who post pictures of what they looked like five years ago! They also can tell you they love life when in fact they complain about just about everything. When you meet someone in person, they can’t pretend they don’t really look like that. There’s no fake picture or who they truly are. You can’t read body language through the computer.
Any site that “claims” to be able to match you to your perfect mate if you fill out all 60 questions, is a hoax. There is NO scientific evidence that backs up these algorithms. If they claim that their scientific algorithms work, why do you need to spend 9 -12 months to find someone with whom you should totally click with right away?
When it comes to love it seems we are at the mercy of our biochemistry. First there is a lust, then an attraction, then love. If we get down to the science, attraction happens in the first 30 seconds. You can’t do that online. Dating online is totally different. Two Words: Choice Overload. Not only are there way too many people on these sites, but you would have to have gone out on 100 dates before you actually have chosen your “perfect match.” Now seriously who has time to not only read through all those profiles, but who has actually gone out with 100 people they have met online?
When you go on a search for love, you are looking to settle. But when you let love find you and unexpectedly, you find the person who is meant for you. Online dating is good for one thing, banging and the quick fix while going out and meeting people the traditional way is for those who want the real thing and refuse to settle. You have to show people you are emotionally available to connect and online you can’t feel or see that connection at all. Not only do you connect emotionally faster in person, but pheromones are known to be involved in sexual attraction and during the most fertile time in her menstrual cycle, a woman gives off a different scent which may make her more attractive to potential male suitors. How can you do that online?
We use Yelp to check which restaurant to go to. Pick movies using another app. We are so anxious to control the outcomes that we are unable to take any real risks. We don’t see Andrew or Andrea as people on dating sites, we see Andrew or Andrea, the 70% perfect match. We don’t see them as people, we see them as objects.
A study found that positive personality traits actually increase perceived facial attractiveness. So if you are just basing your choice on looks, you maybe choosing in correctly. When you find someone to date traditionally, you already can see or get a glimpse of that person’s personality while online you are only going by what they are telling you.
When you meet people traditionally, you typically see them in a social context, such as how they interact with workmates, friends and family members. Online is made of words and images.
Researchers estimate that 25% of rapists found people to assault through online dating services and being scammed in person is less likely than online. Online dating is great if you want a casual fling, but not for anything longer lasting because there are so many dishonest people seeking cheap thrills. If a situation arises, you can split fast and a click here or there, you have your next fling. Marriage is down 50% because everyone is falling for the, “Your perfect match can be found on this website,” crap. All that time you “try” and get to know someone online, you could be actually physically getting to know someone you met in person.
With the discussion on dating, it’s not just about love, marriage and then the baby carriage. It’s about finding someone with whom you can foresee yourself spending the rest of your life with, sharing visions and dreams, as well as the possibility for raising up children together. It should not be about finding the “perfect” partner, because there is no such thing. Instead it should be about finding someone who knows that they are lucky to have you. Relationships are a full time job, don’t apply if you aren’t ready.
Most don’t even know HOW the apps actually work:
For example, eHarmony’s system is flawed because it relies on conclusions from married couples and a fundamental premise that similar people will be happy together in the long-term. But married couples often project similarities onto one another and adopt similar interests over time, so those are the results of a relationship rather than what inspires them in the first place. As for Match.com and other dating apps, they gather information like hobbies and interests the same way that Netflix does. They do not gather any information that is related to what will make a user happy in a relationship.
Tinder and Hinge work differently. Essentially, Tinder used an Elo rating system, which is the same method used to calculate the skill levels of chess players: You rose in the ranks based on how many people swiped right on (“liked”) you, but that was weighted based on who the swiper was. The more right swipes that person had, the more their right swipe on you meant for your score. Finally, when there was enough people on Tinder and Hinge, the AL based solely on the ways users select many of the same profiles as other users who are similar to them, and the way one user’s behavior can predict another’s, without ranking people in an explicitly competitive way. So, the longer you’re on an app, the worse the options get. You’ll see Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, PlentyofFish, they all do recycling of people with whom you already said NO to.
This means that people may unknowingly skip over potential mates for the wrong reasons. The person you see on paper doesn’t translate neatly to a real, live human being, and there’s no predicting or accounting for the chemistry you might feel with a person whose online profile was the opposite of what you thought you wanted. Offline, that kind of attraction would spark organically.
Take a close look on Instagram and you will get a sense of which girls have created a “fake persona,” to gather attention, while the real, down to Earth girls show their
true character online. For a relationship to stay you need character. Personality is a superficial connect, whereas with character, you look for connection. So for a long term relationship, there has to be a shift from a superficial level to a deeper level –
You don’t need the internet for that.
We will discuss Friday: CLICK HERE FOR THE PODCAST