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Chapter Eleven: 7 Reasons Why You Are Still Single

Chapter Eleven: 7 Reasons Why You Are Still Single( From The Book, Hello Love, Where’s Cupid? 2nd Ed)

“I hate being single!” or “Why am I so unlucky in love?” Do these sound familiar? If so, then welcome to Singlehood. I will admit, some people are really unlucky when it comes to love. I have seen it first hand. There are those who are still single due to being left in the “pool” while others are single due to being their own worst enemy. Then of course you have those people who call you “desperate.” Lets get one stereotype cleared up though: I am not desperate because I am single. I am single because I am not desperate. There’s a difference. If you are running from relationship to relationship, then okay, you are desperate. But if you struggling to find someone and you have your standards, you are NOT desperate, you are smart.

This chapter is NOT for those people. The ones who are smart enough to take a step back, look at the situation, and go slow finding someone to have a real relationship with instead of rushing themselves to the altar, are the ones who will “win” in the dating game.

This is for those who are sabotaging any chance they get at having a relationship and there are seven good reasons why you are still single.

Let’s start off small:

1- You have annoying habits that scare people away.

I know someone who has this annoying habit of talking with food in their mouth. I also know someone who is obsessed with their blackberry or iPhone. You interrupt people while they are talking and talk about something else or just talk on and on. This behavior was another relationship breaker that was mentioned.

2- You don’t pay attention and constantly make the other person repeat.

It doesn’t cost anything to pay attention. If someone is talking to you and you are too busy doing something else, what does that say about how you value the other person? We as a society need to learn to listen better. Most people just listen for the cue to when it’s their turn to speak. They don’t actually listen to what is being said.

3- Loyalty, Honesty and Trust issues.

Let me give you the straight definition of each term. Loyalty is faithfulness or a devotion to a person, country, group, or cause. Honesty refers to a facet of moral character and connotes positive and virtuous attributes such as integrity, truthfulness and straightforwardness along with the absence of lying, cheating or theft. And Trust is, the assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. These three are tied together. When you don’t have one in any relationship, you don’t have any of them. When you are loyal, you don’t cheat. When you have faith that the person you love only loves you; then you have trust. And when you trust someone, you know that they are being fully honest with you about every aspect of the relationship.

4- You constantly talk about your ex or previous relationship nonstop.

I know some ladies who constantly talk about previous relationships as if they are still continuing. If you still talk about it, you still care about it. Period. When you have serious baggage you cannot and SHOULD NOT even start to think about having a new relationship. Work through and get over the previous relationship, before moving on to a new one. This is mistake that many single ladies make. They hop into a new relationship just so they can forget about how “Dave” ripped their heart into a million pieces, or they sleep with the first guy that glances over at them in a bar, restaurant, gym, etc. This is also very “desperate” behavior which signifies very deep self-worth, self-esteem issues. When you settle just for “anyone” to get over someone with whom you had an emotional and physical relationship with, you are setting yourself up for an even a bigger disaster. Then of course you have people who go out with someone just to get over their ex or because they fear being “alone” and then end up engaged but still hung over their previous ex. Here’s the thing: If you are not crazy about the person you are about to marry, take a step back. This doesn’t mean go chasing down your ex, since you cannot make someone else want to be with you. But you will be doing yourself and your future husband/wife a disservice by marrying them, when it’s obvious your heart is not in it. Remember, Love won’t grow just because you marry.

To get over an ex, you need time in between relationships. Jumping from relationship to relationship will not help you at all. The fact is rebounding is dangerous because you’re at your most vulnerable and have not had enough time to mourn the loss of your previous relationship and move on. You’re still suffering from heartbreak, even if you deny it. When you meet someone else without getting over the previous relationship, you don’t fall in love with someone but fall completely infatuated with the feelings you are feeling instead. You may gush over the rebounder, but the reality is, that you’re trying to recapture the feelings you had while you were with your ex.

You also have not given yourself time to look at WHY your previous relationship failed. Subconsciously you will make the same exact mistakes with this relationship that you just made with your previous one. So how long should you wait before getting involved with someone new? If you were together for six months, you wait 3 months. If you were together for 12 months, you wait 6 months. The key is to give yourself enough time to get through the pain you feel and get over him/her. That means erasing his/her number from your cell phone, erasing text messages, voice messages and deleting them from your social network. When you can do that, then you are over them.

5- You have a negative outlook on life.

First, don’t complain about someone not treating you right. If you know you deserve more, then why are you with them? Negativity breeds negativity just like positivity breeds positivity. If you have the “woe is me,” attitude, who wants to be around that and listen to it 24/7? I know that I don’t. Who wants to keep hearing how work stinks, how much you wish you could live somewhere else, or how everyone around you is having babies and families but not you?

6- You are oversharing too fast.

Making a full disclosure within the first few meetings can be disastrous since you are not aware how the other person is going to react to the “skeletons” you reveal. Again, your new date doesn’t need to know why you hate your family, why your previous relationships didn’t work, your money issues, etc. Once you share something, you can’t take it back either. Over-sharing. It has always been a problem but has become more so in the digital age. Just look at Facebook and how everyone shares every aspect of their lives. Everyone needs to know everything about everyone. And that’s a bad situation for someone who is meeting someone for the first time. People with bad intentions can get your information and either manipulate you with it or share it with others you don’t necessarily want it shared with. Then you will have put yourself in a position you could have avoided. Also, do NOT become Facebook “friends” with new suitors either. I would actually block them from finding you on Facebook and then once you get to know them, and feel confident/comfortable with them, allow them to then become your online friend as well. Remember, less history equals more mystery. More mystery leads to more dates. More dates leads to having a serious relationship. And if you want to let your potential suitors see your Facebook page, then you must be cautious as to what you post publicly. Remember, what you post can generally come back to bite you in the ass. It happens all the time. Don’t let it happen to you.

7- You have fantasy-like, unrealistic ideas about the opposite sex.

Sadly some women just want to meet a tall, handsome guy who has money and other perks that will make them live happily ever after. The problem with fairy tales is that they set a girl up for disappointment. In real life, the Prince goes off with the wrong Princess. If all you want is to be somebody’s “trophy wife,” you really are setting yourself up for disaster, heartbreak, and torture. Relationships shouldn’t be based on looks, money or perks. Relationships should be based on personality, compatibility, and civility. There’s a difference between being picky and being discriminating. Being picky is about focusing on traits and other details that look good on the surface. Being discriminating is about using good judgment and focusing on how well a man treats you and how you connect with him. (same for a man, a woman should treat you with respect as well.)

You must be clear about what qualities you’re willing to live with and what you can’t live without.

In today’s society we are all told that men need to be with someone “hot” and that women need to find a man with money. Don’t fall for what society tells you. Look at how screwed up it is. Never apologize for having HIGH standards because people who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them. Stop dreaming about the fairy tale, stop wanting a guy to put you on a pedestal, and stop wanting the movie-like romance. Relationships are REAL. Treat them with a dose a reality, not fantasy.

There is someone for everyone, just because you haven’t met that special someone, does not mean you never will. Take this time in your single life to focus on you and love yourself, so when the right person comes along, you can wholeheartedly share that love with them too.

The Links To Purchase Book are here: http://www.stephaniedolce.com

Posted on by Stephanie's Corner

Links of The Best Of Stephanie Articles…

Here are 7 articles Stephanie has written that have been featured articles for Blogher and SheKnows.

Why Women Should Enjoy Having Orgasms As Much As Men Do Link: http://www.blogher.com/why-women-should-enjoy-having-orgasms-much-men-do
The High Risks of STDs and Online Dating Link: http://www.blogher.com/online-dating-and-stds-go-together-cookies-and-milk

Why Women In Their 20s Can Learn A Lot From Women In Their 40s Link: http://www.blogher.com/why-women-their-20s-can-learn-lot-women-their-40s
#womenslives I Want to Adopt and Become a Single Parent Someday Link: http://www.blogher.com/my-5-reasons-why-i-want-adopt-and-become-single-parent-someday

The 20 Worst Pick-Up Lines Of All Time Link: http://www.blogher.com/20-worst-pick-lines-all-time

Do You Believe In Fate? Are Two People Simply “Meant to Be”? Link: http://www.blogher.com/there-such-thing-fate

Turn Your Good Sex Into AMAZING Sex Link: http://www.blogher.com/how-turn-good-sex-amazing-sex

 

 

 

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Foolproof Dating Tips For Men

Ever since a man was a boy, he has been competitive. He competes for grades, competes for friends, competes to be on the varsity team and he competes for THAT girl. If you are a man and having trouble landing THAT girl, your problem stems from looking at it as a competition. Here are foolproof ways to get her; and to keep her. Some guys need HELP. Here are some foolproof ways to do just that.

1- You are at a bar and this woman catches your eye. Don’t talk yourself out of approaching her and actually flirting by saying hi. Instead what do you guys do? You throw a pick-up line her way and watch her walk away! Flirt but don’t be a douche. After you flirt with her and get her number, it’s important to woo her. Wooing her is the step you need to take in order to “land” her.

2- Frequently, set time aside to indulge her in romance. Go on a romantic trip, set up a picnic in the park, etc. So something that will in turn, make her smile.

3- Whatever decision you need to make, ask her for your opinion. Let her know that her thoughts and feelings matter. Displaying a chivalrous attitude is the perfect way to show your respect for the women in your life.

4- One of the worse things ANY man can do is to string a woman long and then go, “I just don’t want to mislead you.” Sorry buddy, but you already have! Let a woman know what your intentions are. If things are moving too fast, tell her to slow down. Don’t be shaky when it comes to being open and honest. Nothing pisses off a woman more than being taken for granted. Always show her that you care, that you acknowledge all that she does for you and always reciprocate your affection.

5- It doesn’t matter if you are married or in a relationship. There is NO excuse for cheating or lying. That’s what breaking up and divorce is for! If you aren’t happy, leave. But don’t disrespect your woman by cheating and lying to her.

6- One mistake most guys make is that they fear committing to a woman too fast. So you guys play games, beat around the bush, and in turn let her walk away. Then you get jealous when another man reaps the reward of your stupidity. As Beyonce sang, “If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.”

7- Finally, don’t tell her that you plan to do something and then don’t follow through. Don’t let your actions say that you are okay with disappointing her. Once you do that, I can guarantee you that she will walk away. And you will be left not only wondering why, but you’ll have to work even harder to win her back.

Posted on by Stephanie's Corner

An Open Letter To Men Everywhere

Dear Guys,

When are some men going to learn how to treat women with consideration and respect? While some men know how to treat women kindly, the rest of the men just plainly don’t know how! See, here’s what some of you guys tend to forget: We all have been hurt in our past. Yet, getting back at the past while in the present is counterproductive and hurtful to others.

 

You can’t change the past. You can, however, learn to move past it. The girlfriend who dumped you, the ex-wife who made you bitter, and everyone else who did you wrong don’t matter anymore. The past actually shapes you into the man you are today. Remember, quit making excuses about your life. Nobody made you the way you are. You made that choice yourself. If you stay in the past, then you miss the good-hearted people in front of you, like the female friend you flirt with and are scared to date.

Some women are patient and will wait for you to be ready, while other women will just move on without you and leave you in the past.

Friendships with women are special, and very different from your friendships with the guys. If you want to keep their friendship and are the gentleman you say you are, then stop sending mixed signals. If you don’t want their attention, then don’t act like you do. And if you already showed your interest and then backed off with no explanation, you are then hurting someone who is very special.

Guys, why do some of you act like a person you’d never want near your sister? Stop the immature and hurtful behavior. Try honesty, respect and consideration, all ingredients for friendship. Besides, there is a thing called karma, and she never forgets an address. If you love her, then prove it. If you need her, then show her. If you never show her, then your words eventually mean nothing.

Think of it this way, would you want your daughters or sisters to be treated with such disrespect and dishonesty? Divorced men with daughters should remember that when you grow a friendship with a woman. Tell her that you are a family man. Don’t treat her like you are interested, only to spew the line months later, “I just don’t want to mislead you.” Karma will come back around when it’s your daughter’s turn to date. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Just know that the best way to handle any situation is to talk. Yeah, we know you guys hate that, but with communication comes understanding. Sometimes, all a woman wants is for you to fight for her. Make her believe that you may want this relationship more than she does. If you want your relationship to move forward, you have to let go of the past and learn to write your own future.

Sincerely,

Women Everywhere

Posted on by Stephanie's Corner

15 Reasons Why You Are Still Single

“I hate being single!” or, “Why am I so unlucky in love?” Do these sound familiar? If so, then welcome to Single-hood. I will admit, some people are really unlucky when it comes to love. I have seen it first hand, but there are those who are still single due to those are left in the “pool” while others are single due to being their own worst enemy. Then of course you have those people who call you “desperate.” Lets get one stereotype cleared up though: I am not desperate because I am single. I am single because I am not desperate. There’s a difference. If you are running from relationship to relationship, then okay, you are desperate, but if you struggling to find someone and you have your standards, you are NOT desperate, you are smart.

This is NOT for those people. The ones who are smart enough to take a step back, look at the situation, and go slow into finding someone to have a real relationship with instead of rushing themselves to the altar.

This is for those who are sabotaging any chance they get at having a relationship and there are 15 good reasons why you are still single.

Lets start off small:

 

1- You have annoying habits that scare people away.

We all know someone who has this annoying habit of talking with food in their mouth. We all also know someone who is obsessed with their blackberry or iPhone. You interrupt people while they are talking and talk about something else or just talk on and on, was another relationship breaker that was mentioned. Other annoying habits that scare people away that were mentioned by people were not being given space and always feeling like they are smothered. Everyone needs space. In order to keep a relationship fresh and keep someone interested it’s important to remember that everyone needs down time.

 

2- You don’t pay attention and constantly make the other person repeat.

It doesn’t cost anything to pay attention. If someone is talking to you and you are too busy doing something else, what does that say about how you value the other person? We as a society need to learn to listen better. Most people just listen for the cue to when its their turn to speak, they don’t actually listen to what is being said. Focus on what exactly someone is saying, not just on the fact that their mouth is moving. Communication is key to any relationship and part of that is listening to what others are saying.

 

3- Loyalty, Honesty, & Trust issues.

Let me give you the straight definition of each term. Loyalty is faithfulness or a devotion to a person, country, group, or cause. Honesty refers to a facet of moral character and connotes positive and virtuous attributes such as integrity, truthfulness and straightforwardness along with the absence of lying, cheating or theft. And Trust is, the assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. These three are tied together. When you don’t have one in any relationship, you don’t have any of them. When you are loyal, you don’t cheat. When you have faith that the person you love only loves you; then you have trust. And when you trust someone, you know that they are being fully honest with you about every aspect of the relationship.

 

4- You constantly talk about your ex or previous relationship nonstop.

I know some ladies who constantly talk about previous relationships as if they are still continuing. When you still have serious baggage you can not and SHOULD NOT even start to think about having a new relationship when you aren’t even over the previous one. This is mistake that many single ladies make. They hop into a new relationship just so they can forget about how “Dave” ripped their heart into a million pieces, or they sleep with the first guy that glances over at them in a bar, restaurant, gym, etc. This is also very “desperate” behavior which signifies very deep self-worth, self-esteem issues, because when you settle just for “anyone” to get over someone with whom you had an emotional and physical relationship with, you are setting yourself up for even a bigger disaster.

 

5- You have a negative outlook on life.

Negativity breeds negativity just like positivity breeds positivity If you have the “whoa is me,” attitude, who wants to be around that and listen to it 24/7? I know that I don’t. Who wants to keep hearing how work stinks, how much you wish you would be able to live somewhere else, or how everyone around you is having babies and families but not me? Always see the cup as half full instead of half empty.Your self-esteem and emotional strength depends solely on your manner of thinking and how you see things around you.

 

6- You are oversharing too fast.

Making a full disclosure within first few meetings can be disastrous since you are not aware how the other person is going to react to the “skeltons” you reveal. Again, our new date doesn’t need to know why you hate your family, why your previous relationships didn’t work, your money issues, etc. Remember, less history equals more mystery. By oversharing too fast, you have shown all the cards in your hand to your opponent. So now, you in turn give him or her more power over you and your emotions.

 

7- You have fantasy-like, unrealistic ideas about the opposite sex.

Sadly some women just want to meet a tall, handsome guy who has money and other perks that will make them live happily ever after. The problem with fairy tales is that they set a girl up for disappointment. In real life, the Prince goes off with the wrong Princess. If all you want is to be somebody’s “trophy wife,” you really are setting yourself up for disaster, heartbreak, and torture. Relationships shouldn’t be based on looks, money or perks. Relationships should be based on personality, compatibility, and civility. There’s a difference between being picky and being discriminating. Being picky is about focusing on traits and other details that look good on the surface. Being discriminating is about using good judgment and focusing on how well a man treats you and how you connect with him. (same for a man, a woman should treat you with respect as well.)

You must be clear about what qualities you’re willing to live with and what you can’t live without.

In today’s society we are all told that men need to be with someone “hot” and that women need to find a man with money. Don’t fall for what society tells you. Look at how screwed up it is. Never apologize for having HIGH standards because people who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them. Stop dreaming about the fairy tale, stop wanting a guy to put you on a pedestal, and stop wanting the movie-like romance. Relationships are REAL.

 

8- You keep going after the wrong partner

This happens more than people realize. There is such a thing as “Bad boy complex” whereas women are attracted to a guy who is labeled as a bad boy type. Those guys are just after one thing, they aren’t after having a relationship, they are after scoring with you and moving forward, playing head games, and acting as if they care when they don’t. Or you are attracted to guys who are not emotionally available. Physically they want to spend time with you, but emotionally they don’t know if they are coming or going. If you don’t love yourself first, you will constantly be chasing people who don’t love you either.

 

9- You don’t take care of yourself

If you constantly let yourself go, no wonder no one wants to date you! Guys want ladies who take care of themselves. This includes things like wearing nice clothes, doing your hair, makeup, exercising and even watching what you eat. It’s not that you aren’t appealing; first impressions are important, then he won’t even waste his time on you at all. Remember, you don’t need to go overboard, but most men’s eyes are going to go the women who are more appealing. So save the sweatpants with the holes in it, for home, not for when you head out.

 

10- You’re being judgmental and insecure

We all judge, we’re human. But there’s a difference between having an opinion and judging someone based on outer knowledge. Hating on other women because you are insecure about who you are, is something men can’t stand. It’s one thing to want the same clothes, hairstyle and shoes, but it’s another when the jealousy gets so deep that all you do is compare yourself to them. All the negative talk saps out all the fun and flirtness from your partner. The only person you should worry about is yourself. Stop worrying about competing with others and focus on you.

 

11- You have sex with your partner too soon

According to YourTango.com, “If you sleep with a man the first time you meet him, there’s a good chance he may not call for a second date. Why? He may feel that he has gotten everything from you that’s worth getting. By not giving him more than a kiss the first night you meet him, he will be encouraged to continue the pursuit.” Having sex in the first few months of a relationship is what ultimately kills a relationship. It’s easy to become infatuated with another person, but lust doesn’t always lead to love. When the both of you are connected emotionally as well as physically, the sex will be so much more meaning.

 

12- You reak of desperation

Some women wear the tattoo on their forehead that reaks “I’m desperate!” When you stop your tired chase for love, it will show up. This is what online dating is all about: desperate people looking for quick relationships. Get off online dating and put yourself literally out there in the world. Expand your social circle by joining sports groups, church groups, volunteer doing charity work, and even go out on the town on your own. You never know who you will meet if you don’t go out and just have fun.

 

13- You limit yourself

It’s great to have standards, but that doesn’t mean you should limit yourself to only dating blondes, guys with blue eyes, guys with muscles, etc. Women have an unrealistic idea that they need to just date someone according to their standards, but who you date and your standards are two totally different things. Your standards are what you value, not what the guy will look like or be like. If you go ahead and date that computer geek, he may not have the “look” but he probably will live up to your standards.

 

14- Your so are vain

The song Carly Simon sings, “I bet you think this song is about you,” is how some people think. When you act like a total diva who wants to be with you? Don’t be the woman who no man want to be around because you overly love yourself or are a total witch. Stand up for yourself, yes, but pick your battles. Some women are so vain that they won’t like a guy just because he has a bad haircut or didn’t wear a shirt that is from a certain designer, so they will write him off as boyfriend material.

 

15- You don’t ask any questions

It’s great to have similar interests, but if you don’t ask questions to get to know someone, and only talk about yourself, you might as well date yourself. The only true way to see if you have chemistry with someone is to get to know them. And the best way to get to know someone is to ask questions. Just remember number six and don’t overshare too soon. If a question makes you uneasy, don’t feel pressure to answer, “just because” instead tell him that you can’t answer that question right now but will in the future. This way you don’t scare them away with oversharing and you also seem interested in having a relationship with him.